Why?

Howcome I am the way I am? Really, that's all I want to know. I WANT TO CHANGE! I want to be better, more perfect! I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to be boring. I WANT TO CHANGE I WANT TO CHANGE! I WANT TO BE OUTGOING. I want to be able to pass people I know and smile and hug them, I don't want to be the "weird-o" or the odd one out, I want to be the cool fun, funny one. Why am I so serious? So stone faced, so hardbitten. I am sick of it. Please, change, come soon I am desperate for a new personality.

I dissapeared from this blog for a long time!

Hi to all of my blog readers! I realize I've been gone from this blog for sometime. I didn't forget about it. I just haven't been posting. But I think I am going to start back!

Hello...

Wow. I haven't written in a while! I didn't realize it has been so long. I've been busy w/ school, ect! I will be writing more again... :)

My Bulimia.

I am not going to go into depth about my whole Eating Disorder background, I'd rather not. It's just that my Bulimia seems to be slowly returning. At least it seems that way today, I just decided to go throw up, and I did it. I don't know why... It seems like it was just bound to happen, or like it's the right thing to do. But I won't let this consume me. I am beginning to think that I just may be stronger than this demon. Stronger than those voices in my head, and stronger than those disorted images that I gaze at through the mirror.

Bulimia

This familar demon returns

I hear it snicker in my ear as I analyze my thoughts

Why must you return now? I've been doing fine without you.

Bulimia, it's back, such a familar monster

A love and hate relationship

I stick my fingers down my throat

Confusion swims through my mind

Bulimia, seems to want me back.

Afraid

I am afraid to live

I am walking on glass

I must be careful

Careful with every word

Every thought and every look

I am afraid, I am very afraid

That I might do something wrong

That I just may be an ambomination

That I am not strong enough to stay pure

Why must I be afraid? Scared to turn every corner in life

Please, I don't want to be afraid.

I write

I write... in a hasty manner

type, type, typing away on my computer

lonely thoughts pour out of my mind

words bubble into my mouth spewing out so rapidly

I write... My feelings, tears dripping on my hands.

I write to let everything out, even if it doesn't make sense

I don't write just to rhyme, or to waste time

I write to get the confusion and anger off of my mind.

That model, in the magazine.

I skim through the pages of a magazine

My eyes dance around the cold, stone-like pictures

A small bosom attached to a feather light waist and skinny legs

Bony ribs draped over a hungry stomach

Lonely thoughts, and eternal tears

Her eyes are so cold, and her smile is blood red

How does she do it? How does she stay alive?

Narrow knees, and bruised knuckles, there are scars on her arms, and thighs, and ankles that she hides.

You think she's perfect? You think she's fautless? I sure do. And maybe she is, to only the ones who view her made up beauty.

My Privacy

I hold in many secrets, for only me to keep

They are buried deep in my soul

And I threw away the key.

What is buried deep in my mind

Is not your's to find
It is sheltered in warmth and comfort.

I whisper faint words, to only myself
no one can hear them
to no one I tell.

There are many things that are unknown
things that I do when I am alone.

No body's perfect, and I sure am not
I cry too much
and I have a sensitive spot.

So my privacy is held close
For no one to steal
And what I keep as a secret
is nothing but real.


The literature in this poem is not perfect, but I just want everyone to understand the meaning and emotion behind it. (Though it make not make sense to some)

I hate myself because.......

I hate myself because I am too shy
I hate myself because I am too weak
I could smile more often
And I could laugh a lot more too.
I hate myself because people tell me I should.
No one ever tells me that I am beautiful
Or even that I am "good"
I hate myself because the media tells me I'm not fabulous.
I hate myself because I don't have much of a personality.
I hate myself because my self esteem could be higher.
I hate myself because...


This poem may sound really negative, but I' am not trying to make it that way. This is just how I feel sometimes. I am so sick and tired of being shy, I'm sick and tired of not having a great personality or no personality at all. I'm so sick of not having any self esteem... And if I did hate myself these would only be some of the reasons. It just seems that no matter what I do, I can't do it right, I am always making mistakes, stumbling over myself, tripping over my feet, falling into deep black holes that take me forever to get out of.

Lonely

Is lonely the only feeling that I'll ever know?
Is it the only taste that I'll ever taste?
And the only touch I'll ever touch? Must I go on without the anticipation of a teenager should feel?
I breathe only my breath, and touch only my skin.
Never do I look into the eyes of someone that my heart craves, of someone who makes me feel beautiful.
I wish to feel soft lips, peck onto mine if only for a second. And strong reassuring hands, hold me as I cry.

I want to conclude this lonliness, and experience the abundance every girl has to desire.
Why must I be the only one, burried deep into this dark hole?
Sheltered, feeling as if I have nothing left to live for.
Do I not deserve more?

Happy Martin Luther King Day!

I always anticipate for this impeccable holiday to come around! I have a dream!

Songs That I Love

I love this song, it is so inspiring. And so positive.

:)

This song is so fun to sing to, and the lyrics are so deep and meaningful.

I really love this song, and the lyrics are like my own words, this is how I feel at times... "I wish I had a river" :)

This song is so nice. Jewel had some very meaningful and deep songs.

This Body

The familiar grotesque feeling returns

The humongous picture, the voluptuousness

My stuffed skin is stitched together holding in a cumbersome substance.

Burst

I feel like I'm going to burst, because I need you

I'm not sure who you are, but I need to know soon

The waiting can't get any longer, and the temptations grow stronger each day.

Why can't they understand that I am no longer a baby, but a young woman with true feelings.

I feel like I will burst any minute, I am so filled with love, yet no one to share it with.

And when I am finally able to release that love, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

Save Me

I just decided to come on here and start typing, this poem that you are about to read was not previously written, I just came up with it out of my head and with a little help from my emotions :) Enjoy!

 Save me.

 please save me from myself , all of the lies that I mumble underneath my breath, the words I utter soak into my mind, I want to believe them, and time after time, I do.

Save me from this mess, these emotions, don't let me drown in this river of salty tears that I am creating.

Where are you when I need you? When I feel confused, and beguiled? Save me, before it's too late, I'm slowly withering, like a cell in your body withering away from the consumption of ocean water.

And if you can't save me, then my gosh, who will?

It doesn't make that much sense, but... It was almost like an improv... So just tell me what you think! When I say improv I mean something that I kind of just had to make up on the spot! :)

Violent Reflections

I spit out such violent words, as I glare back at myself through a foggy mirror

My thoughts consume me, digest me, and determine how I must feel

The water pours, the steam accumulates, I spit out such violent words only to me.