Why?

Howcome I am the way I am? Really, that's all I want to know. I WANT TO CHANGE! I want to be better, more perfect! I don't want to be shy anymore. I don't want to be boring. I WANT TO CHANGE I WANT TO CHANGE! I WANT TO BE OUTGOING. I want to be able to pass people I know and smile and hug them, I don't want to be the "weird-o" or the odd one out, I want to be the cool fun, funny one. Why am I so serious? So stone faced, so hardbitten. I am sick of it. Please, change, come soon I am desperate for a new personality.

I dissapeared from this blog for a long time!

Hi to all of my blog readers! I realize I've been gone from this blog for sometime. I didn't forget about it. I just haven't been posting. But I think I am going to start back!

Hello...

Wow. I haven't written in a while! I didn't realize it has been so long. I've been busy w/ school, ect! I will be writing more again... :)

My Bulimia.

I am not going to go into depth about my whole Eating Disorder background, I'd rather not. It's just that my Bulimia seems to be slowly returning. At least it seems that way today, I just decided to go throw up, and I did it. I don't know why... It seems like it was just bound to happen, or like it's the right thing to do. But I won't let this consume me. I am beginning to think that I just may be stronger than this demon. Stronger than those voices in my head, and stronger than those disorted images that I gaze at through the mirror.

Bulimia

This familar demon returns

I hear it snicker in my ear as I analyze my thoughts

Why must you return now? I've been doing fine without you.

Bulimia, it's back, such a familar monster

A love and hate relationship

I stick my fingers down my throat

Confusion swims through my mind

Bulimia, seems to want me back.

Afraid

I am afraid to live

I am walking on glass

I must be careful

Careful with every word

Every thought and every look

I am afraid, I am very afraid

That I might do something wrong

That I just may be an ambomination

That I am not strong enough to stay pure

Why must I be afraid? Scared to turn every corner in life

Please, I don't want to be afraid.

I write

I write... in a hasty manner

type, type, typing away on my computer

lonely thoughts pour out of my mind

words bubble into my mouth spewing out so rapidly

I write... My feelings, tears dripping on my hands.

I write to let everything out, even if it doesn't make sense

I don't write just to rhyme, or to waste time

I write to get the confusion and anger off of my mind.